How to End a Relationship Gracefully | Warren & Migliaccio

Key Points:

• The key question when deciding to separate is whether your fundamental needs are being fulfilled.
• Breakups can be more manageable through clear, compassionate communication.
• Creating shared understanding around the end of a relationship is one of the kindest ways to part.

There’s a core ethical consideration when deciding to stay or leave a long-term relationship or marriage: Are you staying true to your own needs and aspirations?

In long-lasting relationships, the decision to end things should not be made lightly, but at the point where your fundamental needs aren’t met, ending the relationship becomes the right thing to do.

This decision is primarily for your well-being. Once you’ve expressed your core needs and seen your partner’s potential, you can gauge if they’re capable or willing to meet those needs. If they are not, it’s a compatibility issue.

In my previous post on the rise of gray divorces, I noted that no long-term commitment is immune to evolving expectations.

Understanding Core Needs

Are your core needs respected and fulfilled in your relationship? These can include:

• Physical Intimacy: This includes connection through romance, passion, and sexual fulfillment.
• Emotional Connection: The ability to share experiences and stories freely, similar to a strong friendship.
• Shared Values: Alignment on matters such as finances, work, family, and mutual respect.

If your needs are neglected or disrespected, assess whether staying in the relationship benefits you. You should ask for what you need.

Once you communicate your needs, you’ll likely see one of two outcomes:

1. Your partner will try to understand and meet those needs.
2. They will put in little or insufficient effort.

When your partner consistently fails to honor your needs, even after couples therapy such as the Gottman Method or emotionally-focused therapy, it may be time to move on.

How to Break Up Compassionately

• Don’t delay telling your partner that you don’t see a future together. If your goals aren’t aligned, address it promptly and gently.
• Choose a quiet, private setting for the conversation. In cases where safety is a concern, a public space may be better. Else, you can work with a support advocate in cases of intimate partner violence.
• Avoid criticism or contempt when speaking. A useful strategy from the Gottman Method is to express your feelings by saying, “I feel ____ about ____ and I need ____,” allowing you to state your needs without blame.
• Share gratitude where it feels appropriate, although it might not always be the right moment.
• Be direct. If you’re ending the relationship, be clear and explicit, saying something like, “I need to end this relationship,” or, “I need a divorce.” Ensure your partner understands your intentions.

Moving Forward with Kindness

Ending a long-term relationship can be done with care and compassion. If you care about the person, creating a shared understanding of why the relationship is ending can make the breakup process easier for both parties.

Breakups don’t have to be bitter or filled with anger; they can be handled with love, respect, and clear communication.

Ending a long-term relationship should focus on whether core needs are fulfilled. Clear, compassionate communication and a shared understanding can ease the breakup process.